FULL LENGTH PLAY
Lights up on a large orange obelisk.
NARRATOR: Behold the Hand of Osiris. Carved of the most delicate Sandstone. It is said the Pharaoh had the original stone carried from
Lights up on the narrator, sitting in a comfortable plush black swivel chair, smoking a cigarette.
NARRATOR: But our story begins thousands of years later.
Blackout. Lights up in a
Tillie: Over here!
He crosses to her, takes off his coat, she stands and hugs him. They sit.
Tillie: Oh my God, look at you. You look so … yourself.
Terry: Oh, yeah, my hair grew back.
Tillie: You look good. How long has it been?
Terry: God, I don’t know …
Tillie: Four years…?
Terry: No … I saw you at the dogshow in
Tillie: Oh that’s right – that was so weird.
Terry: I’ll say. Have you eaten yet?
Tillie: I did get some samosas and some beer, but I’m still hungry.
Terry: Great – well, want to split the palak paneer and a bottle of wine?
Tillie: Sure! It’s so good to see you.
Terry: You too. It’s great to see a familiar face.
Tillie: What do you mean?
Terry: I just mean that I feel like such a stranger in this city, it’s nice to see somebody I know.
Tillie: Yeah. How long have you been here.
Terry: I told you, about three weeks.
Tillie: How do you like it?
Terry: It’s intense. The weather leaves a bit to be desired.
Tillie: Do you have a place to live?
Terry: Yeah, I found a great place in the village.
Tillie: Good for you.
Terry: Have you seen anybody I know recently?
Tillie: What? What like kids from high school? No, not really.
Terry: I’m only asking because I’m lonely.
Tillie: Well, sorry to hear that. I’m here.
Terry: Yes, it’s good to see you.
Tillie: Lets order that wine.
Terry: Good idea.
Blackout.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, in upstate
Light up on the mansion, full of fancy furniture. Serafina sits on a couch doing her nails. The
Serafina: Grand, Ezekial, send him in.
Serafina looks up surprised. The butler goes. Nandy enters.
Serafina: What the hell are you doing here!
Nandy: I had nowhere else to go!
Serafina: I don’t care! You should know better!
Nandy: Please, Serafina, I need your help.
Serafina: Help with what?
Nandy: I believe someone is trying to kill me!
Serafina: Jesus Nandy. Are you sure?
Nandy: Yes. A dark figure followed me home last night and later broke into my apartment. I escaped through the window. Then, earlier today, the same dark figure chased me through Grand Central Station. (cries)
Serafina: Didn’t the police try to stop him?
Nandy: I don’t know! I just ran.
Serafina: Have you called the police?
Nandy: You know I can’t go to the police.
Serafina: Nandy, I don’t know what to say.
Nandy: Say that you’ll help me. For old time’s sake.
Serafina: Of course, I’ll try to keep you safe. But you must promise to be honest with me, Nandy.
Nandy: I swear to you, Serafina. All I want is a place to hide.
Lights up on the narrator.
NARRATOR: But Nandy wasn’t telling the whole truth. Meanwhile, back in
Lights switch to the rainy café. Tillie and Terry are drunk.
Tillie: And that’s when I told him, there’s no way I would ever believe a word you say – I’m not going to get on that boat, and if you even try to convince me, I’ll go after the bird myself .
Terry: Wow, that’s great – what did he do.
Tillie: He just gave me this really angry, sad look and got into the boat. I miss him.
Terry: What a crazy story.
Tillie: Yeah, that’s the most exciting thing that has happened to me all year. Other than that I just work at the Magazine.
Terry: Well I wish I was with you.
Tillie: What?
Terry: I just mean that sometimes it’s not entirely clear` where a person is coming from. I don’t think you made a wrong decision telling Darren to go. There were only six of them, after all.
Tillie: But what do you mean, you wish you were with me?
Terry: I just mean, in the same state of mind.
Tillie: Oh – for a minute there I thought you were…
Terry: What?
Tillie: Nothing. Oh you know, we have a history.
Terry: Oh, I see. Yes, we do have a history.
Sips wine.
Tillie: So how is your love-life?
Terry: It’s alright. I have to go.
He gets up and walks out of the café. She stares after him.
Tillie: What? What about the Bill?
She runs after him.
NARRATOR: Everything is connected. It’s amazing. Little did Tillie know what she was getting herself into by getting together with her old friend Terry at the Indian Café on that fateful morning when our story begins.
The waitress, Moopy, runs over to the table, looks for money, stares after them, can’t believe it. She runs after them.
NARRATOR: That poor waitress.
Spotlight on the waitress. She runs and runs.
Moopy: I don’t know what to do! They ran out without paying – I’ll have to pay for it. I need to find them before it is too late, or else I will have to pay for all of their food. My manager is such a bastard. It’s so wet and rainy, but I see them up ahead.
She runs to a street corner where spotlights come up on Tillie and Terry:
Tillie: But where are you going?
Terry: Look, the situation is complicated. I just wanted a little friendship, I can’t afford to get involved with you again –
Tillie: Who said anything about getting involved!?
Terry: You brought up our history and my love life in the same five minutes.
Tillie: Terry, you’re so conceited .. I was just making conversation.
Moopy: Excuse me!
Terry: Well, I know. But it suddenly felt like it was going somewhere that it shouldn’t.
Tillie: You’re fucking crazy, Terry.
Terry: Sorry if I seem –
Moopy: Excuse me!
Terry: Excuse me if I seem crazy, but I’m under a lot of pressure right now…
Tillie: From who? Why are we standing in the rain?
Moopy: GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY.
Terry: What? Who are you?
Moopy: You just walked out without paying.
Terry: You didn’t pay?
Tillie: Me? You drank most of the wine!
Terry: Well you’re the one with a high paying job. I’m broke and homeless in
Tillie: That’s no excuse for your behavior.
Moopy: Give me my fucking money.
Tillie: Give it to her.
Terry: You give it.
Tillie: Fine – but I am never going to go out to eat with you again.
She hands some bills to the waitress.
Moopy: Thanks.
Moopy heads back to the restaurant. Tillie walks off in the other direction.
Terry: Why not?
Spotlights down on Tillie and Terry. The waitress runs and runs.
Moopy: Thank God I got the money. Now everything will be okay. Oh, I’ve been out of the café too long and I forgot to get that mans coffee, or the samosas for table 23 – now I won’t get tips on either of those tables. I’ll never be able to afford that computer. I hate this. I hate this!
NARRATOR: That poor waitress. Meanwhile, in upstate
Serafina and Geoff sit at one end of a dining room table. Nandy sits on the far side. They are eating.
NARRATOR: Geoff and Serafina had been married for six months, and nothing says loving like a muffin in the oven. Serafina wasn’t pregnant. Neither of them were pleased with the situation – Nandy showing up so unexpectedly. But Serafina hadn’t told Geoff the whole story.
Geoff: So Nandy, how do you like life in the Big Apple?
Nandy: Pretty dirty place, too many people.
Geoff: Well, that’s why we live out here.
Nandy: That’s why I tried to live out here too.
NARRATOR: Nandy was their personal assistant and housekeeper for many months.
Geoff: Yes… well, it’s too bad you had to leave.
Nandy: I’ll say.
Geoff: So Serafina tells me you had a bit of a fright this afternoon.
Nandy: Yes, it was terrible.
Serafina: We’re very sorry for you, Nandy.
Nandy: Well, thanks for letting me stay here, anyway.
Serafina: You bet.
Geoff: And how is Harold?
Nandy: Who?
Geoff: Your brother, Harold.
Nandy: My brother’s name is Todd.
Geoff: Serafina, you told me his name was Harold.
Serafina: Oops.
Geoff: Well how is he?
Nandy: Fine, as far as I can tell.
Serafina: Nandy!
Geoff: But didn’t you go out there to take care of him because he was sick?
Nandy: I went out there because you threw me out.
Geoff: Serafina, what the hell is she talking about? I thought we let her go because she was too preoccupied with her sick brother.
Serafina: Nandy, you’re just joking.
Nandy: Yes sir, I’m just joking.
NARRATOR: But nobody thought it was funny.
Blackout. Lights up on Moopy. She is alone in her tiny
Moopy: I didn’t make any money today. This is awful. I’m barely scraping by in this awful city. What’s the point of trying to live here? I was going to be an actress but instead all I do is work all the time just to pay food and rent. Why is this happening to me.
NARRATOR: Meet Moopy the waitress. She’s the same waitress that chased Tillie and Terry through the rain. How is this all connected – you’ll be surprised! Of course, her real name is Mariah, but everyone calls her Moopy. She’s so concerned with “networking” herself as an actress that she lets people call her whatever they like – she doesn’t want to offend them by insisting that her name is Mariah, because then she might lose part of her Network.
Moopy: I know I have it in me to be something special. I just have to keep believing in myself.
Her phone rings. She picks up.
Moopy: Hello, this is Moopy.
Spotlight up on a dark man in a dark coat.
Man: Hello Moopy, how are you?
Moopy: I’m fine, who is this?
Man: My name isn’t important. What is important is that I know where to find your brother.
Moopy: I don’t have a brother.
Man: Are you sure about that Moopy? Does the name Donald mean anything to you?
Moopy: No. What do you want?
Man: It’s very important that we meet.
Moopy: What are you, some kind of creep?
Man: No … I have important information for you. I’m asking you to trust me.
Moopy: Get bent. Who the hell are you?
Man: Don’t speak to me that way, Moopy. Meet me at the corner of 57th and
He hangs up.
Moopy: What career?
NARRATOR: Moopy didn’t know what to do, so she went online and found a psychic who was free for the first three minutes, Five dollars for every additional minute.
Moopy: Hello?
Psychic: Hello. Who am I speaking with.
Moopy: My name is Mariah.
Psychic: Hello Mariah, I’m Donald. I sense that you have a nickname that irritates you. Now I’m a real psychic, certified, I’m going to tune into your aura and find you some answers. Will you please say your full birth name for me three times.
Moopy: Mariah Sally Gold, Mariah Sally Gold, Mariah Sally Gold.
Psychic: Thank you, I’m getting a reading… now do you have a question to start with?
Moopy: Yes … a strange man just called me and told me I had a long lost brother, is he crazy.
Psychic: Hold on, I’ll check … yes, he looks a little crazy, but the information he gave you is true.
Moopy: He says meeting him on a street corner will be good for my career. Is that true.
Psychic: Well, let see… yes, I see many doorways opening…
Moopy: Thank you.
NARRATOR: And Moopy hung up. That poor Psychic.
Psychic: Damn! That’s the third time today! I don’t get any money when they do that! I have to make a living too! Just because I’m psychic don’t mean I don’t gotta eat!
Scene shifts. Tillie is walking down a busy street, and suddenly runs into her old friend Tulip.
Tillie: Tulip!
Tulip: Tillie!
Tillie: Oh my God how are you?
Tulip: I’m great, how are you?
Tillie: Great! It’s so funny, I was just had lunch with Terry Olson today.
Tulip: Get out! How is he?
Tillie: Oh, he’s a little strange. I think he’s having trouble adjusting to life in the city.
Tulip: He just moved here?
Tillie: Yes.
Tulip: Oh my God, can you give me his phone number?
Tillie: …Oh, okay.
Writes.
Tillie: Just a warning, he stuck me with a restaurant bill this afternoon, so watch your back.
NARRATOR: Tillie and Tulip had a lesbian relationship in college. Now, for the most part, they get together for movies and museums. For the most part. Of course, Tulip had reasons of her own for wanting to see Terry.
Tulip: See you later.
She walks away. Tillie looks a little sad. She keep walking. She runs into her old friend Mitch almost immediately.
Tillie: Oh my God Mitch!
Mitch: Hey Tillie!
Tillie: Oh Mitch, This is so weird, I just had lunch with Terry Olson and then I just bumped into Tulip Erster five seconds ago.
Mitch: Tulip? Which way did she go.
Tillie: She went that way.
Mitch runs after Tulip.
Tillie: Jesus Christ.
She cries.
NARRATOR: Poor Tillie. She put on a persona of such confidence and positivity that nobody realizes just how lonely she gets.
Tillie sits down on a bench. The strange dark man is sitting on the bench.
Man: Are you alright miss?
Tillie: I’m fine thanks.
Scene shifts to the Mansion. Serafina and Geoff are standing on the Terrace.
Geoff: I don’t think you’re telling me everything.
Serafina: So I had personal reasons for firing Nandy – why are you getting so upset.
Geoff: Well, I don’t see why you felt the need to lie to me.
Serafina: You’re right. It was stupid.
Geoff: I’ll say.
Nandy emerges from behind a nearby curtain.
Nandy: I’m sorry to have caused so much trouble.
Geoff: Were you spying on us?
Serafina: She always spies.
Nandy: I was just passing by.
Geoff: Nandy, I need to know more about who this person is that you think is trying to kill you.
Nandy: I have no idea. I thought maybe it might have to do with the fact that I worked for you.
Geoff: What?
Nandy: You know, maybe someone thought I knew some secrets about your family’s business empire.
Geoff: Do you?
Serafina: She always spies.
Nandy: Stop saying that! I do not spy. But yes, Geoff, when you do someone’s laundry, sometimes you can’t help learning things.
Geoff: Geoff?
Nandy: I aint gonna call you Mr. Hartmoore no more – you aint payin me!
Geoff: Fair enough, Nandy. Look, I’m going to bed.
NARRATOR: Little did Geoff Hartmoore know that those would be the last words he would ever say alive.
Serafina: Nandy, we have to talk.
Classical music plays, builds toward a crescendo.
NARRATOR: In 1683, a peculiar young alchemist, under the study of the famous Parcelus, discovered a formula that made it possible to for two people to exchange bodies. I know it sounds bit froo-froo. The basic idea was that the compound, when ingested by both parties, would act as sort of a quantum marker and transfer the electromagnetic fields of the first person non-locally to the second person, and vice versa. That’s the legend anyway. But it works, I’ve tried it myself. I’m the Narrator, by the way.
Musical Crescendo and blackout
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